Monday, December 22, 2008

Merry Christmas

Well count down to Christmas is just 3 days now and my kids are near crazed with excitement! I confess I've had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. With David working the two jobs we almost never get to see him anymore, and with every penny we make going to paying off debt we're not doing as much giving this year as we normally do.

But getting this close to the big day and seeing my children's joy in the holiday is starting to kindle a little bit of the spirit in my own heart. Children are such a joy and a blessing and their sweet innocence never fails to amaze me. I'm so grateful for the three children I've been given.

Thank you everyone for your notes and emails last week. I so appreciate your friendship and support during times like these. So first the good news! Getting under 200 lbs seems to have been the magic feather to me. I've ovulated all three months that I've kept my weight in the 190's. This has been one of the major barriers to me getting pregnant so I know you'll understand my joy in this. However a new problem has presented itself and it is still extremely unlikely that David and I will be able to conceive without further medical intervention. I ask for your continued prayers and support that this problem will resolve itself quickly and that I will be able to keep losing weight in the meantime!

This week I am hovering at 195. I'm not expecting a loss this week frankly, with it being Christmas, but I would like to maintain so that's my goal this week. I've lost 30 lbs to date and am very happy with that. I had my appointment with my weight loss specialist last week and I lost another percentage of body fat and 9 lbs during the last month. He was very happy with my progress so hopefully we can lose another 9 lbs this month. :-)

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, or a merry holiday of choice. I love you all!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Daisy Grace

First with the official business. I weighed in at 194.5 this morning. That's down three lbs from last week. I don't why. I didn't follow my diet this week and I didn't exercise really. I think it's God's way of making this week easier on me.

Today is the anniversary of my daugter's due date. She was due one year ago today. It's hard for me to write about but it helps me to talk about her. Here is an excerpt from my journal:

"Today is the first anniversary of Daisy's due date. It's strange how time just keeps moving on, passing you by almost unrecognized. It seems like it was just July and I was spending the day remembering the day she left us. That day is almost easier. It's a tangible day, a tangible grief. It's the day she died and I can grieve for her, for the end of my pregnancy, for the moments I held her little body, for the loss.

The due date is harder for me. It's about what could have been. It's about the 1 year old who isn't running around my house. It's about the little blonde-headed girl who isn't blowing out her candles. It's about what I don't have. It's about the loss of a dream. And every month that passes without me being pregnant seems to make that loss more poignant.

Sometimes I wonder if I've already held my last baby, if I've already passed those precious milestones that turn a baby into a toddler into a preschooler for the last time. Did I treasure them enough? Of course not. I was planning on doing it 4 or 5 more times. Such big plans I had for myself and my family.

How was I to know that God had His own plan for me?

Now there's this bitterness in me that I hate. It boils up when I see a pregnant woman, or someone holding their newborn. It spews forth when my sisters get pregnant or my friends announce their news. It eats me up while I sit in church and listen to all the babies cry. I hate this angry person who can't even be happy for others because they have what I want. Maybe that's what I need to learn from this experience? Compassion in the face of loss.

This is the pain that keeps on giving. This is the wound that won't heal, it's ripped open over and over. It keeps sluggishly bleeding, draining me of hope.

Daisy, I miss you. I hope you're not disappointed in me that I'm handling this trial so badly. I miss you everyday. Our family is not complete without you here. I know we'll all be together someday."



Monday, December 8, 2008

No change

I'm still 197.5 this week, just like last week. So my body has reacted to this diet the same way it reacts to all of them: great weight loss the first week and then nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I lined up 8 different diets and then rotated through them each week for two months if I could have some sustained weight loss. I have an appointment with my weight loss doctor next week so I guess I'll wait and see what he has to say. I love you all and hope you have a good week.

Oh, by the way, if you're wondering what to get that woman in your life for Christmas you might want to check out this blog for ideas.

www.salsacrafts.blogspot.com

She has some great stuff for great prices. Make sure to scroll through older posts to see everything. I especially love the "Ho Ho Ho" blocks.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. Our Thanksgiving was great, very quiet and simple. We were very happy to have my family over on Thursday and then Papa and Grammy over on Friday. I cooked a wonderful meal (if I do say so myself) and didn't worry about my weight all day long. That was the best present I could have given myself. So all in all, considering how much I ate that day, I'm proud to report that my weight this morning was 197.5. I only gained 1 lb over the Thanksgiving weekend and I know it could have been much worse.

So now starts the Christmas season. Cookies, candies, parties, and treats. I'm going to have to be very careful if I want to keep losing this month. When I was a member of Weight Watchers they had a saying I liked. "The Holidays are 4 days not 4 months!" I am taking some days off of course, David's company Christmas party especially! Cheryl always cooks for it and I look forward to it all year long. Yum-o.

Anyway, I'm buckling down again now. Started lifting weights again and hitting the workouts. If my doctor is right I should be able to lose most of the weight in 2 months so let's get started!

Love ya all and Merry Christmas!