Monday, February 23, 2009

Passion

So obviously I haven't been very good about posting the last couple of weeks. David always says that one of the things he loves most about me is how I can get really passionate about a subject. The problem is I can typically be really excited about only one thing at a time. And the last 6 weeks it has NOT been weight loss, it's been trying to get pregnant. (Which, by the way, you think would be a whole lot easier, and more fun, than trying to lose weight. But alas, such is not the case with me). Anyway, I keep setting myself up for disappointment and heartache in that department so I decided it's time to rekindle some of the weight loss passion. I haven't lost any weight in the last 6 weeks. The good news is I haven't gained any either, but been able to maintain my weight with little to no dieting and no exercise. I'm pretty proud of that.

So today I am starting a new weight lifting program. It's a 30 day program, lifting weights 6 days a week. Since strength training seems to help me lose weight the easiest I have hopes that I can lose 8-10 lbs this month. Crossing my fingers. So, back to protein shakes and grilled chicken for me.

Because so many of you have asked me for, and because I'm pretty tired about blogging about myself all the time, I have set up a family blog. Here's the link to it.

www.drorbaughfamily.blogspot.com

I got carried away with family pics and posted 4 times this morning. SO if you want to keep scrolling after the first post there are some fun pics towards the bottom. Love you all! Have a great week!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pay it forward!

I saw this on a blog from a friend in my Tempe ward. I love the idea!

Here's how it works-the first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive, at some point during the year, a handmade gift from me.

What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise! The catch is that you must participate as well-before you leave your comment here, write up a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going. (Or you can cut and paste from this one like I did)

Then come back, let me know you're going to play, and sit back and wait to receive your fun gift!! Remember that only the first 3 comments will receive a gift from me, so hurry, hurry, hurry!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Plateau Land

Well I'm still hovering around 189. I've totally fallen off the exercise wagon because I've been so exhausted lately! I'm trying to stick to my diet but often find myself just trying to "eat healthy" rather than follow the plan. Which I guess is better than nothing. Anyway, I have another appointment with my weight loss doctor on Thursday so I guess I'll just have to go an be embarrassed about not losing any weight this month. Oh well. At least I didn't gain! My size 14 jeans are starting to feel a little loose and I'm wondering if I might be able to wear a size 12. But I think I'll give it a few more pounds before I try.

I hope everyone has a Happy Valentines day. David and I will be celebrating our 7th anniversary on Sunday. Sometimes I feel like my marriage is the only thing in my life that is never a trial. I love you for that David. You're still my hero.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wow

I found this on my miscarriage board and it was so perfect in explaining how a woman who miscarries feels. Everyone needs to read this in in case someone around you experiences a loss. Sorry, it's very long.

"When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."