Today is the anniversary of my daugter's due date. She was due one year ago today. It's hard for me to write about but it helps me to talk about her. Here is an excerpt from my journal:
"Today is the first anniversary of Daisy's due date. It's strange how time just keeps moving on, passing you by almost unrecognized. It seems like it was just July and I was spending the day remembering the day she left us. That day is almost easier. It's a tangible day, a tangible grief. It's the day she died and I can grieve for her, for the end of my pregnancy, for the moments I held her little body, for the loss.
The due date is harder for me. It's about what could have been. It's about the 1 year old who isn't running around my house. It's about the little blonde-headed girl who isn't blowing out her candles. It's about what I don't have. It's about the loss of a dream. And every month that passes without me being pregnant seems to make that loss more poignant.
Sometimes I wonder if I've already held my last baby, if I've already passed those precious milestones that turn a baby into a toddler into a preschooler for the last time. Did I treasure them enough? Of course not. I was planning on doing it 4 or 5 more times. Such big plans I had for myself and my family.
How was I to know that God had His own plan for me?
Now there's this bitterness in me that I hate. It boils up when I see a pregnant woman, or someone holding their newborn. It spews forth when my sisters get pregnant or my friends announce their news. It eats me up while I sit in church and listen to all the babies cry. I hate this angry person who can't even be happy for others because they have what I want. Maybe that's what I need to learn from this experience? Compassion in the face of loss.
This is the pain that keeps on giving. This is the wound that won't heal, it's ripped open over and over. It keeps sluggishly bleeding, draining me of hope.
Daisy, I miss you. I hope you're not disappointed in me that I'm handling this trial so badly. I miss you everyday. Our family is not complete without you here. I know we'll all be together someday."
.jpg)
5 comments:
I hope you get pregnant soon! It brings me comfort when I read the Teachings of Presidents of the Church Joseph Smith Chapter 15. Here is an excerpt....for it was revealed from God, the fountain of truth, through Joseph Smith the prophet, in this dispensation, that in the resurrection of the dead the child that was buried in its infancy will come up in the form of the child that it was when it was laid down; then it will begin to develop. From the day of the resurrection, the body will develop until it reaches the full measure of the stature of its spirit, whether it be male or female. Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: “You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.” There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I am so thankful for the knowledge of our gospel. What peace it brings to know we can see those we love beyond the grave again. It is so hard to live without them here on earth when life here seems so long, but I know it is just a small blip on the eternal timeline and that our joy will be returned one hundred fold for all of our trials we endure well. I love what you said about compassion in the face of adversity--how true yet really hard to do!
You are so strong Amy. I couldn't imagine going through what you've gone through and being anything but miserable and angry/bitter. Is that picture of you with her? I had no idea you had actually met her. I am sending helpful thoughts and hugs your way
And congrats on the continued weight loss
Love, hugs, and shared tears.
Love,
Kristen
I am sorry you are having such a hard time I wish I could say or do some thing to make you feel better:| I will keep you in our prayers!
Amy, thank you for having the courage to post this. We love you and haven't forgotten your friendship. Isaac told Jed, just last night, that he wants to marry Emma.
Post a Comment